Understand Our Own Process First.   Understanding our own process means we are aware of our thoughts, our feelings and our needs regarding any given situation.  When conflict arises, the resolution process begins with our own understanding of our own process first.

Take Responsibility for Our Own Process.  After we are aware of our own process in a particular situation, we are then ready to take responsibility for our process and show up to discuss clearly our thoughts, feelings and needs with the other person.  Asking the other person if this is a good time to talk is always helpful.  Having time in that moment or setting a time with no outside interruptions is important.

Speak Clearly with Loving Intentions.  Managing conflict with love means we speak clearly, with respect, maintaining our own integrity and the integrity of the other person.  Heightened anger, inappropriate language, name calling, belittling another, and/or sarcastic remarks are never okay. Heightened anger, inappropriate language, name calling, belittling the other person, and sarcasm damage relationships and distance people from each other.  They are not loving!  They are bi-products of one’s own inability to manage their own emotions and internal process appropriately.  To manage conflict with love, we need to take responsibility for our own process first and diffuse any heightened energy we may have before we address the issue with the other person.  It is our responsibility to diffuse our own heightened energy so we can show up with the other person and discuss the situation clearly, with respect, and with loving intentions.   This maintains the integrity of each person and the relationship.

Listen with Respect.  Once we clearly address our own thoughts, feelings and needs regarding the situation, it is important we stop and listen with respect to their thoughts, feelings and needs regarding the situation.  Listen, Listen, Listen.  Try to hear and to understand deeply what they are saying with the same integrity and respect that we want from them when we are speaking.  Listen deeply to their thoughts, their feelings, and their needs.  Listen with compassion and really try to hear and seek to understand their point of view also.  Try not to judge or dismiss what each person is saying.

Honor Each Person’s Perception of the Situation.  Conflict often arises from different points of view regarding the same situation.  Always check out each person’s perceptions and listen clearly to each other’s point of view regarding the situation.  Take the time to clearly check out each person’s perception of the situation.  Interestingly, the same situation can often produce two entirely different perceptions.  It is these two different perceptions that need to be heard respectfully from each person before the conflict can be addressed fully.  It is important to understand deeply the other person’s perception of the situation.  Honor each other perceptions.  Try to see each other’s perception as differences and stay away from labeling these differences as one person’s perception is right and the other person’s perception is wrong. 

Be Cautious of the Five Fatal Poisons:  Assumptions, Projections, Blame, Rage and/or Withdraw.  When we assume we know what the other person meant or is thinking, we add poisonous energy to the process.  When we project onto them how we really feel about something and then assume they feel that way, we add poisonous energy to the process.  When we blame the other person instead of speaking to them with compassion and respect, we add poison to the process.  When we rage or have heightened anger, we add poison to the process.  When we withdraw and do not talk to them and express with love what we are feeling and what we need, we add poison to the process.  Unfortunately, poisonous energy is toxic and destroys loving relationships over time.   Thus, it is our own responsibility to avoid the five fatal poisons within ourselves, regardless of whether or not the other person has developed their own ability to do the same. If the other person has not developed the ability to speak with loving intentions yet, it is our responsibility to always take the High Road and show up with loving intentions.  Our loving intention and behavior can be a wonderful mirror for the other person.  Hopefully, they will soon follow our example.  If they are not capable over time of showing up with loving intention and integrity, seek professional help together.

Stay Focused on the Present Situation.  It is important to stay focused in the present moment with the present situation.  Avoid digging up the past or throwing out past examples in attempts to deflect from the present situation.  We don’t succeed in working through present conflict by dwelling on or deflecting with past situations.  There are times when past situations are useful in understanding what may need to be addressed in the present situation, however, be very cautious not to use the past as a deflection or a defocus off the present situation that needs to be addressed now.  Many people skillfully use the past to manipulate us and keep us defocused off of the present situation.  Be mindful of the present situation and what needs addressed in the moment.  Keep the conversation on the present situation.

Remember the “We” Concept.    In every relationship there are three components:  Our Self, the Other Person and the ‘We’.  Managing conflict lovingly means we remember the ‘We’ of the relationship and speak with loving intention to always enhance the ‘We’.  We need to work through this….We need to hear each other….We need to let each other know what is important to us….We need to be able to share our dreams and desires with each other…..We need to keep the energy flowing between us.…We need to continue to be best friends and be close…etc.   Thinking in terms of ‘We’ versus ‘I’ can help maintain the integrity of managing the conflict lovingly.  Managing conflict with love is never about ‘you versus me’.  Managing conflict with love is about how can ‘We’ work through this ‘Together’ to come to some kind of compromise or resolution without loosing or hurting our self or the other person in the process.

Decide Not to Decide Sometimes.  Not all situations can be resolved in the present moment, thus, sometimes we need to decide not to decide anything in the moment.  We need to put some time and space in certain situations while we continue to process within ourselves what we may or may not need.  Sometimes it is helpful to agree to disagree in the moment and come back to the situation at a later time.  Know that it is okay to put a particular decision on hold and discuss it again at a later time.  However, it is important to set the next time to discuss it again.  Setting another time to discuss the situation again helps to keep us out of limbo.  Set a specific time and stick to that time unless both people agree to reset the time.

Personal Checklist for Managing Conflict with Love

1. Am I aware of my own internal process in this situation?

2. Do I know my own thoughts, feelings and needs regarding this particular situation?

3. Have I diffused in healthy ways any heightened emotional energy I may have regarding this situation?

4. Am I able to speak clearly with loving intentions?

5. Are my words and actions maintaining my own integrity and the integrity of the other person?

6. Am I able to listen deeply to the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs regarding this situation?

7. Do I understand fully their perception of the situation?

8. Are my actions helping us move closer together and work through the conflict with loving intentions?

9. Do I keep the discussion focused on the present situation without deflecting or defocusing on the past?

10. Am I a healthy role model for managing the conflict with love?

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